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that fucking bitch

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Same (Piece of) Shit / Different Year [16 Oct 2006|04:13pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

One this day, twenty-five years ago, an immensely fat woman shat a deformed, mentally-deficient pile of flesh from her womb.

Unfortunately, it's still alive and hasn't learned much in life since he figured out how to suck milk from a teat. Oh, well, here's to another 25 years of him having others change his diaper for him.

2 names|kick some ass and take some names

Not Next Weekend [18 Sep 2006|08:49pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Things I Am Not Going To Do Next Weekend

1. Drink half a bottle of brandy for 'dinner'.
2. Drunk call one of my friends and tell him that I'm going to duct tape him to a cement block in my basement and feed him M&Ms (with the brown ones sorted out).

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

OMG MYSPACE OMG!!! [13 Sep 2006|11:16pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So, I got a MySpace like all the cool kids have.

It's probably the stupidest, biggest waste of time. Ever.

Everyone's all like, "Everyone's there! You'll find anyone! It's so cool!!"

Total. Lies.

I'm feeling pretty sure about this, but MySpace seems to be for losers.
All anyone wants to do is post surveys and put up pictures.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I should just remove mine so that I can continue to make fun of the losers that have them.

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

The Pulling [13 Sep 2006|10:45pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

For as long as I can remember, I've been pulling.
I feel so exhausted.
Ah, and the terrifying thought of stopping the struggle...
I always have to be the initiator, the instigator, the spark that gets things moving.

I have a friend of a friend who just had a baby. She has no job and neither does the dad! How wonderful! We have a job opening with my company that I'm at in their town. "Just send me your resume," I offer. Do I get one? No. Apparently, just like my ex who could barely whipe his own ass by himself, I would have to practically stalk them to get them to get a job to support their own child.

"Nik hasn't called me back!" "I don't hear from Nik." "I'm going to stick my thumb up my ass and wish really, really hard that Nik would call me." Does anyone actually pick up the phone and call me? No. But do I hear a whiny bitchfest when I call about how I didn't call earlier? But of course. It is, of course, Nik's job to pursue contact with everyone. I live on the other side of the universe (aka: the northwest Chicago suburbs) so naturally I have to go out and visit everyone else. "But it's so far!" No fucking really?!

I'm just going to stop listing crap.
Yeah, okay, so it's my fault for giving too much of a fuck. I just wish I could stop. Just let the pieces fall where they may.

kick some ass and take some names

Yeah [13 Sep 2006|10:43pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Life plods on.
So do I.
Meh.

kick some ass and take some names

"We only do employment verification via fax" [11 Sep 2006|05:08pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Me: "Good evening."
She: "I need to do an employment verification for-"
Me: "We only do employment verifications via fax. I can give you the fax number."
She: "Okay, what's the number?"
Me: "(987) 555-1420."
She: "Can you tell me if Bob Johnson works there?"
Me: "...I'm sorry but we only do employment verifications via fax."
She: "Can't you just tell me if they're there?"
Me: "We only do employment verifications via fax."
She: "Well, does Bob Johnson work there?"
Me: "...We only do employment verifications via fax."

Maybe I should find her and tattoo it to her face.

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

Vegas: Revisited [27 Aug 2006|03:35am]
[ mood | drunk ]

So, I will be traveling once more to Vegas.
I can't help it, I'm fucking in love with the town,
Anyplace without Blue Laws and paries 24/7 is alright by me.
This year, however, I think I'm going to go late (late, late, late) into the year (or early, depending on how you look at it), somewhere around Janvier (January, for you non-Frenchie speaking types).
The Condenders?
The Imperial Palace
The Sahara

It doesn't really take much to impress me these days, really. To be honest, I'm really just looking for some place on The Strip to pass out for the fucking night.
Circus Circus and Excalibur have some pretty sweet rates, but they're filled with, echh, children and that's definitely a crimp in my vacation plans.
I never thought I would even like Vegas, but I fucking love it!
They have nightlife in spades (no pun intended), and I'm all about that. And fucking hiking! (Heloooo, Mt. Charleston!)
Damnit, I can't wait to get my vacation on.
Um, also, Brandy rocks.

kick some ass and take some names

Holy Cubs Games, Batman! [27 Aug 2006|03:22am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Well, yeah.

Went to a Cubs game on Thursday with some of my friends.
SHOCK of FUCKING SHOCKS, the Cubs won (against the Phillies) 11-2.
The last time I went to one, the Cubs pretty much had their asses handed to them (which is pretty typical), so this was somewhat of an improvement.
We all went to the Cubbie Bear afterwards, naturally.
Oh, and the fucking Cubbie Bear, what a meat market.
Special Thanks To:
* "Jimmy" - Thanks for smooching on me and grabbing my boob. You made the night "extra special". And when I say, "WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?", I actually want to know where my friends are, thank you. I do not actually want you to grope me futher.
* "Phillies Phans" - You were drunk as hell, but still nice. My advice to you: learn which hand the WEDDING RING is on, thank you. Kudos for supporting your team despite the fact that THE CUBBIES kicked their asses.
* Sean - You're from Indiana, and I'm not going to hold that against you. You had some rhythym, which is more than I can say for most white guys. Way to dance with Bethie!
* DCShoesCoUSA Guy - You were pretty freakin' hot, actually. You should've started hangin' with us earlier in the evening.

So, yeah, there ya go.

2 names|kick some ass and take some names

The Anger Entry [20 Aug 2006|08:14pm]
[ mood | vindictive ]

**Part I**
Good and Evil: An Unbalanced Scale

So, anyway, me and Dr. Friend were having our sit-down when, of course, he asks the obligatory, "How are you feeling today?" Every time I think in my head, "Well, shitty, obviously, or I wouldn't be here." So, instead, I say, "What, truly, is the point of being good? Honestly, what is the point? So many people commit both minor and colossal acts of evil and recieve little to no retribution for it. Why the struggle to deny our natural human predisposition to 'get ours', as it were? What is the incentive to continue to be 'good' when those efforts carry little reward?"
So Dr. Friend said, "Well, most people find that being 'good' is it's own reward. I would also go so far as that most of those people who do 'bad' things suffer from the consequences of their action internally because they know that have behaved poorly." "But," I counter, "what about those who do not care that their actions harm others? People who do bad things and have no regard for others. For example, I know that I have had a few, sorry to say, complete fuckheads come into my life and do terrible things to me, both mentally and physically, with seemingly no remorse whatsoever. It frustrates and angers me that these people can come along, cause massive upheaval in my life, then skip along, la dee da, without a passing thought." Dr. Friend responds, "A few of the people you have described to me are mentally disturbed and those individuals are in suffering from their disease."
Fuck. How do these sociopaths find me? Am I listed in the Yellow Pages under 'Sociopathic Doormats, Women'? Goddamnit! Fucking SBC...

**Part II**
Feelings: Messy Emotions or Worst Song Ever Written?

Of course, Dr. Friend has to ask me about my feelings. "How does this make you feel?" he asks, pen in hand. "Um," I stare at my favorite object to stare at in the cozy office. Mmm. Table leg. "I dunno, annoyed, angry, I guess." It confounds me that the only emotion that I can find is 'anger'. Freaking annoying. It's the only thing preventing me from becoming a true Vulcan... "You should write a letter to the people you're angry at," he suggests. And mail it to them in a box covered in poison oak, wired to a bomb, dusted in anthrax, painted with lead, stuffed with asbestos, tied with barbed-wire, soaked in ricin and dripping with madcow infected blood?! You're incredible! I could kiss you! "You wouldn't mail it, of course," he followed up. "How would you start off the letter, say to maybe ***** or *****?" "Die in a fire," I spit out, without really thinking. "Good! That's good," he commended. Yes...them dying in a fire is good. "You should write down what you would like to say to them, to get those feelings that are still bothering you out," suggest Dr. Friend.

So.

The next posts you see will be my Anger Letters, as directed by Dr. Friend. Oh, sure, they'll be public posts. Could these people read them? Of course. Will they? Unlikely. I feel better posting these publicly rather than privately. I feel like these letters are a shout from me to the world. Though my actions may say otherwise, I'm pretty damn upset! I'm always so 'agreeable' and it's a trait that I rather dislike. So here's to disagreeable!

2 names|kick some ass and take some names

People I Can Do Without [19 Aug 2006|01:05am]
[ mood | extra-bitchy ]

EDITED
In the spirit of George Carlin, people I can do without:

Poor Widdle Miss Daisy Who Couldn't POSSIBLY Open That Big Ol' Door On Her Own

The building I work in has several large, glass double doors.
There are these little princesses who will walk up to the door, see someone else approaching from the other side (regardless of sex) and just stand there like a stupid cow and wait for the other person to open the door for them. EDIT: CLARIFICATION: These girls will wait there for you to open the door. Then, after you just barely get through, they scurry through the door like cockroaches, sometimes almost running into you [fucking ick] and zip through the door without so much as a, "Thank you for opening the door. I was just going to stand there all day if it weren't for you." They could easily open the other door that was right in front of them. They would rather get in your way and almost run the fuck into you.
Die, you stupid debutante bitches, die.
Next time, you're getting clocked in the head with a 12 foot steel and glass door when I pull it closed behind me.
You've been warned.

kick some ass and take some names

Recruiting: The Other Sales [15 Aug 2006|02:34pm]
[ mood | bitchy...but when aren't I? ]

I hate people.
Just, you know, in general.
It's not like I woke up one morning and just decided, "You know what? Fuck people. Those big, fat, sweater-wearing primates can just go fuck themselves." I mean, that would've been cool and all, but it's not the way it happened. According to my favorite paid friend, it's partially due to a prolonged high-level of anxiety (prolonged meaning, like, a really freakin' long time), among other things. Diagnosis? Agoraphobia! Dr. Paid Friend gets a big fat prize! Namely, my co-pay. Hooray! ::applause::
A special "Thanks For Trying" Award is given to Dr. Burch, Medicine Woman for his incorrent answer of 'Social Retardation'. What a trooper. Perhaps if you ever crack open a book on psychology (the science that deals with mental processes and behavior), you may even come close next time. A hint: the *hallmark* (red alert! ding ding ding! flash of the obvious ahead!) of 'social retardation' or, to use actual psychological terms, antisocial personality disorder, is (drumroll!) NOT KNOWING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. You know, kind of like you.
But I digress.
As oftentimes I do.
So, yes, people. Blech.
People have often tried to encourage me to go into sales. "You're intelligent, you're witty, you're knowledgeable, you're professional, you're personable! You could make fat bank!" Then my eyebrow twitches and my nostrils flare, "But dontchya, ya know, have to sell to people?" Unfortunately, yes. Selling involves people. But what can I do with these talents that does not involve liking people? What sort of job could I have that would not only utilize my talents, but also make use of my amazing HyperCriticism superpower?
It came to me, in a vision.
Recruiting.
What the fuck is that?! Yes, I heard you from here. Recruiting is the part of Human Resources (hiring & firing) which is focused on hiring. The similarity to sales? Cold-calling. You often call people whom have not expressed interest in the company yet but are qualified for the position in question. You sell the company. So, how is this not like sales when it comes to people contact? If I no-likey them or they no-likey the job, I do not have to speak to them again. In sales, you have to try, try again...and again...and again to establish a business relationship. Then, you have to be with them during each step of the sales process up to and including the sale. Also, you must maintain that relationship after you have made the sale. Recruiting? I don't have to like you, you don't have to like me, you just have to like the job and the company.
::sigh::
A professional job that not only utilizes my strengths, but allows me to work independently with measurable goals.
Yay!
Also, in HR, your job is to enforce company policies. I love rules. Rules keep humanity in check. Mmm... Rules and organization... (insert drooling Homer face here) Umm... Yeah, so, you sort of act as the 'company police'.
So, for the first time, um, well, ever I am psyched to get up in the mornings and do my job.

Also! Itching to land the perfect job? Tips below!
GET THE JOBCollapse )

6 names|kick some ass and take some names

Crabby. Irritable. [14 Aug 2006|11:37am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I’m not even going to pretend that I’m going to update this on anything like a regular basis. Promising that only seems to lead to disappointment.

How It Goes
It’s like this and like that and like this… (anyone who can tell me where that quote comes from gets some sort of prize, I think)
So, yeah, it’s like this.
I’m in Happy Fun Time Therapy and these are my goals, as of the moment:
 No longer categorize food as ‘good’ and ‘bad’.
 Stop rearranging my desks, tables and house so that it looks ‘even’ or ‘in order’.
 Saying ‘no’ to people. It’s okay to stand up for yourself (and stomp on those who seek to take advantage of me - okay, I added that part).
 Realize that my house / my car / myself / the freakin’ world DO NOT need to look ‘perfect’ in order to be ‘acceptable’.
 PERFECTION IS UNATTAINABLE – AND THAT’S OKAY
 Eat meals WITHOUT considering caloric content
 Go to a busy public place and not want to punch people or run out screaming.
 Exercise MODERATELY
 Try thinking in the abstract, not in ‘black & white’.
 Do not become overwhelmed with worries, think about what you’re worrying about and why
 There’s nothing wrong with ‘good enough’.
I think there’s some more, but those are the ‘biggies’.

I dunno, I’ve just been crabby lately.
Try as I may, my goals have been pretty tough.

Also, for all of you fucks who keep calling and saying, “Waaaaah!! I wanna talk to a LIVE PERSON, not VOICEMAIL!”
Oh, really?
Well, when I dream, I want a fucking pony.

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

The Feeling [04 Aug 2006|11:54am]
[ mood | glum ]

I feel...

That I am not enough for you...

I just don't measure up...

I feel this constant condition...

This strange, strange love addiction...

1 name|kick some ass and take some names

If Ignorance Is Bliss, Why Aren't Our Customers Orgasmic? [06 Jun 2006|02:59pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Reason #489106 Why I Often Hate Our Customers

A customer walked in to our showroom today (where I camp out) and said, "I'm here to see someone."
Naturally, I asked (duh), "Who?"
Customer: "Uh... Well, he's kind of a big guy."
Me: "Does he have glasses?"
Customer: (gesturing behind me, deeper into the showroom) "He's right there, the big colored guy."

Yes.
'The big colored guy'.
In case you're checking your calendars, the year is still 2006.
WTF?
Even more WTF, it was a fairly young guy. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised by that kind of crap if it was some old dude, but some young guy? Someone is still teaching their kids to use that terminology?
W. T. F.

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

Back...? [05 Jun 2006|01:47pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Am I back?
I hope so.

Why haven't I been around?
Well...that's hard to explain.

::sigh::

13 names|kick some ass and take some names

I Think...I Love You [21 Apr 2006|07:33pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Never have I seen such...purity.
Your smooth black skin and sculpted features...
The way you light up makes me warm inside.

Here's the little hottie that was at my doorstep today.

4 names|kick some ass and take some names

Quelle Surprise! [18 Apr 2006|10:33pm]
[ mood | calm ]

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.
Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)
4 names|kick some ass and take some names

Knowing Portugese Won't Help You [16 Apr 2006|08:25pm]
[ mood | awake ]

http://hit-me.zip.net/

That page is largely in Portugese (you can translate the page with Babelfish)...but that will only help you read it, that certainly won't help clarify the WTF-ery of the page in general.

NSFW
Trust me, unless your boss is cool with nude disabled women, naked circus freaks and the like.

5 names|kick some ass and take some names

Better [16 Apr 2006|07:35pm]
[ mood | devious ]

I'm feelin' better.

Hopefully, I will be posting more later.

Today, possibly.

2 names|kick some ass and take some names

Bad Pin-Up Art #2 [02 Apr 2006|05:11am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Aw, Nik, say it ain't so!
Another pin-up post?

Blah blah blah you're 17 or older blah blah blah
But what will the religious right think if I look at poorly drawn, scantily-clad cartoon characters?Collapse )

5 names|kick some ass and take some names

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